Foxborough, MA – America’s annual celebration of their stubborn rejection of the metric system and of brutal high speed human collisions begins this week at Gillette Stadium. Squads, assembled and controlled by private millionaires and billionaires, from around the nation will square off in 32 predetermined locations in the United States and 1 in London, England in an effort to spread the fine art of butting heads and the spectacle of the closed head injury across this globe. Participants must work closely with their parole officers to arrange for travel between venues and to compensate previous victims of their heinous street crimes and with their union leaders to compensate the co-workers they’ve crippled on the honorable gridiron field of play.
Festival training also began last week in US colleges to prepare students for possible admission into the popular activity and even earlier in American high schools. College concussion recruiters will help the young hopefuls pick a felony that they can target for advanced placement into a post college human collision-based career. While high school students with iffy grades can practice getting hit in the head really hard so they can earn a free college education! It’s a win-win-win for high schools, colleges and sports fans.
Degenerate gamblers will assemble in Vegas to place wagers on the lives of the combatants and slightly less degenerate gamblers will fulfill their wildest “fantasty” of assembling their very own team of barely human crash test dummies. If you’d like to check out the fun you can tune into the action simply by opening your eyes and ears anywhere in America with electricity and if you’d rather not we suggest the Amish option.