ROWAN COUNTY – Kim Davis, the righteous county clerk, acting directly under God’s authority has been emboldened by the far right wing support she has received for following God’s law and denying gay couples their constitutional right to a marriage license. Acting as God’s proxy here on terra firma she has decided to honor more laws from the book of Leviticus.
“From this day forth Kentucians may now possess slaves of either gender so long as they are purchased at a fair market price from neighboring Canada or Mexico. Further, they may sell their daughters into slavery as Exodus 21:7 permits.” Davis said to a raucous crowd of supporters, her decree receiving a mixture of cheers and confusion among the gathered gay haters.
The crowd began to turn on David when she went through a laundry list of things that would no longer be allowed, some punishable by public execution. “No more shellfish! Menstruating women must avoid contact with all men! Working on the Sabbath will now be punishable by death via stone! Blended fabrics will not be allowed in my Kentucky either. I’m looking at you, Mitch McConnell, that Jos. A. Bank bull-shirt may fly in DC but not back home, here, in the Bluegrass State! You may not consume pork or even touch the flesh of a dead pig! If you have a garden you cannot plant two different crops including tomato varietals! YOU GET ONE KIND OF TOMATO OR YOU GET THE VENGEFUL WRAITH OF A CRUEL AND ANGRY GOD!”
Davis wrapped up her God-authorized sermon/tirade “As Jesus said ‘even so ye also outwardly appear righteous unto men, but within ye are full of hypocrisy and iniquity’ so, naturally, I will be going out back and stoning myself to death after this is all said and done and I inevitably lose my fight. However, it’s all been worth it if I managed to delay the rights and postpone the happiness of just one gay couple so they can briefly share in this miserable, petty and pathetic existence of mine.”