WASHINGTON, D.C. – Wayne LaPierre of the National Rifle Association stood next to Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) and spoke on behalf of the NRA as well as several of the largest gun manufacturers and bravely announced a historic first – the groups had agreed to a concrete date to meet with both houses of congress and discuss what can be done by the gun industry and NRA backed lawmakers to help prevent further tragedies.
LaPierre explained “Out of respect for any grieving families, friends and communities we have decided to hold our historic meeting on the day after the next day with not a single gun death in America. This is the only way we can guarantee that no group goes into these debates with bias or prejudice against the greatest symbol of American freedom – the gun.” the brave LaPierre said. “We will also not allow logic, statistics, the influence of our own members, police associations or any other 3rd party that may tarnish our obsession with guns as the be-all solution to every problem to enter the talks. Just us gun-loving men and our guns… I’m sorry, I’m being told guns will actually not be allowed into the talks for obvious reasons of safety.”
“We will not let another instance of gun violence besmirch the good name of the gun. Guns don’t kill people, people kill people and people with guns kill more people and that is progress. Progress cannot be stopped and the gun is just another tool of progress. Imagine an entirely armed nation empowered to become more efficient at a great many things – turning on your lights with a gun, draining the melted ice out of your cooler, getting footballs out of trees, opening stubborn jars, signaling the start of your peace march, cracking open your car window, the uses are endless! Besides not even a bald eagle holding a gun flying in front of Old Glory comes close to capturing the American Experience quite the way an unhinged jittery man, free from invasive background checks or psychological examinations, self-empowered with a gun in his hand does. Is losing that bitchin’ imagery really worth saving a measly couple thousands lives a year? I say thee no! So join us, won’t you? The sooner you get a gun, it. the sooner we can reach that day where we are all protected from gun violence and have a day free from gun violence… then we can have this long overdue talk. Thank you and may God bless America.”