HANOVER, NH – Bullies from across the United States gathered earlier this morning to announce their full support of Donald Trump’s campaign for president. “As America’s preeminent gate keepers against the hordes of dweebs, geeks, nerds, dorks, weirdos, techies, goths, eggheads, fruitcakes, oddballs, misfits, poindexters, bookworms and brainiacs at our privileged doors we feel the Donald is the only candidate who speaks to our concerns.” Jim “Big Noogie” Peterson told This Should Be the News as he chatted with us between wet willies and atomic wedgies at the annual “Why Are You Hitting Yourself” convention.
“The Donald isn’t afraid to attack the tired, the poor, the huddled masses, the refuse, the homeless or the tempest-tossed. Did you see him just steamrolling Jeb at the debates? Jeb looked like he was about to cry for his mama! Just look how he put that big-mouth broad Megyn Kelly into place with his verbal bitch-slap, that was awesome! Or how he told that Mex-i-can’t reporter to go back to Univision! That’s classic, Don! Hell, he even had the brass to call out that feeble old vagina John McCain for getting caught by a bunch of commies living in a jungle! Don’t even get me started on the Muslim stuff, it’s all we talk about around the keg. That’s some bitchin’ stuff! That’s what us bullies can’t get enough of!”
“Heck, I even like it when he goes after Jeb Bush for going after Asians because he’s too much of a pussy to go after the Hispanics. I guess old Jeb is so pussy-whipped from being married to a Mexican bimbo that he can’t tell them all to go back where they came from but my man Trump don’t give a fuck. Trump don’t shiv, man!”