American Spirit Introduces 100% Gluten Free, Organic Health Cigarettes


BROOKLYN – American Spirit tobacco company announced earlier today that it would be launching a new line of cigarettes for the emerging subset of consumers who worry about the side effects of gluten in their diets.

“Consumers who shop at stores like Whole Foods like to know every ingredient in everything they consume and use.” said Gulliver Thomas, who is the president of New Product Development at American Spirit.  “They want to know it was grown organically by a small farmer or at the very least at a farm that complies with fair trade policies. They want to know that the chicken eggs they eat for breakfast had  a mother hen that was free to roam on a picturesque farm before those eggs were snatched up in the middle of the night and uncermoniously fried in a pan. They want to know the name of the apple-fed heirloom pig that they’re making grotesque chocolate covered bacon out of. And, pun intended, naturally they want to know the cigarettes they’re smoking are gluten free and natural.”

American Spirit Gluten Free sold out at the launch store within 10 minutes. In fact, customers struggled to shuffle about the store and reach the display due to the tightness of their jeans and corduroy trousers. The scene grew ugly as men in mismatching suspenders with unkempt beards thrashed and throttled against each other and women in sun bleached vintage men’s pastel tank tops and ill-fitting hats with oversized flowers over a horror show soundtrack of raw corduroy against raw corduroy.

American Spirit Gluten Free launches nationwide on Thursday.


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