VATICAN CITY – Spiritual psychologists working under direct orders of Pope Francis to study why there has been an increase of Catholic calamities have released their findings and you may be shocked at their results.
In truly alarming news it appears that thousands of guardian angels with supernatural powers are taking money from lobbyists for Big Pharma and Big Agra.
“In years past if you were hungry an angel would guide you to a healthy cure for your disease or would feed your spiritual hunger and give you strength, this seems to be happening less often than in previous millennia. So we have assembled a list of ways to determine if your guardian angel is guilty. If you notice 2 or more of these symptoms please report your angel to your parish priest.” Dr. Guiovannai told TSBtNews reporters.
- Instead of leading you to wholesome foods when you’re hungry, say fruits in lush tropic gardens for instance. Your angel uses their powers to put Dorritos on sale and lazily points at the store end cap.
- They are constantly late for things like your PTO meetings leaving you only with the devil on your shoulder for guidance.
- You notice you are more vulnerable to voodoo attacks than normal.
- You find yourself wasting hours of your life Keeping Up with various periphery Kardashians.
- Your UPS man has been replaced with what is clearly a member of Satan’s Evil Horde.
- Instead of suggesting you fill your head with thoughts of dirty fan fiction about your favorite television characters to increase your libido they just hand you a Viagra.