INDIANA – Disgraced ex-fatty, current day creepy pedophile Jared Fogle has forced Americans to ask themselves some uncomfortable questions as they sit down and bite into their Cheesy Dorritos Crunch Wrap Baja Gordita Supreme at the dinner table. Sure fast food is convenient, cheap and readily available and by golly we’ve always known it’s downright unAmerican not to eat it at least several times a week.
However, there was a man who came into our lives wearing an awkward pervert’s grin, holding a pair of oversized trousers, his trousers, and showed us a new way… an easier way. This cherub faced man child didn’t lift a finger or undergo invasive surgery to lose his excess weight. No, he simply ate more fast food! How could any cholesterol clogged red blooded, high blood pressured American resist?
Meanwhile Subway sub shops started popping up around the country, celebrated sandwich artists held openings at modern art galleries and everyone pretended to enjoy Baked Lays. It was an idyllic time in the land of the free and the home of the Whopper. And while we were busy measuring our meals in feet and inches Jared was in the hen house “eating fresh” or doing… whatever it is he did.
UPDATE – 8-3-2015 – Apparently “it” was sex with a 16 year old girl which is definitely illegal and wrong but isn’t nearly as disgusting as we thought the news would be based on his general creepy appearance. In fact it’s kind of a let down. However, rest assured this trusted news source is confident there will be more, much creepier Jared based news to come. We bet our Pulitzer on it*.
*We do not have a Pulitzer.
UPDATE – 8/19/2015 – It looks like he will be pleading to child pornography charges so, super creepy. We win the bet which is good news because we still don’t have that Pulitzer.