Unambitious Presidential Candidate – “On Day One I’ll Probably Just Unpack and Check Out the Menu”


TAMPA BAY, FL – Ronnie Van Howell, a long shot candidate for president in a hyper competitive field of presidential hopefuls, is taking a different approach compared to the venom and fervor we saw on display at the Fox Facebook Republican debates on Thursday, August 6th. Ronnie is being brutally, almost to a fault, honest with reporters and potential voters while on the campaign trail. In fact, to say “campaign trail” is a misnomer since it only covers roughly anywhere within a 10 minute bike ride of his sparsely furnished one bedroom apartment. 

“If elected on day one I promise to get right to work right after I unpack my most urgent toiletries… and a change of clothes… and probably the Spider Man action figures I like to keep on my desk… and I’ll work with the White House chef on menus for breakfast and lunch for at least the next day or so.” Van Howell said from the stump with all the passion of a high school boy called on to answer a question in algebra class. The ragtag mall crowd of about a dozen consisted of a mixture of punk skaters stopping for a drink at the nearby water fountain, a couple power walking senior citizens and a Sbarro’s employee on break.

When asked if he’d make any drastic changes he replied “Honestly, I think things are going pretty good. I mean, I wish Connie would respond to my Facebook pokes but those things are out of my control at this point so I’m… Oh, you mean the country? Well, I think cable prices are too high and that people deserve to know what happened at Roswell. I’d really like to throw one of those concerts I see on PBS only with a better representation of thrash metal. Maybe see Armored Saint get back together to play. Other than that I’d pretty much stay the course.”

“I guess I’d be considered a conservative considering I really don’t want to really do.. I mean change anything. I dunno, maybe I’m a progressive. I got really moved by one of Michael Moore’s movies. Who knows? I’ll let the voters decide.”


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