New on Food Network: Ted Cruz Cooks with Machine Guns and Other Instruments of Death


WASHINGTON, D.C – Ted Cruz’ sensational viral video of him cooking delicious bacon on the red hot barrel of a machine gun has prompted a lot of views on YouTube… as well as at the Food Network! It turns out that Cruz and Scripps Media are in talks to develop a new kind of cooking show for the very desirable Foodie/Weapon Enthusiast demographic.

Each of the first 18 episodes will feature either a 2016 Republican candidate for president or any number of photogenic GOP politicians or strategists like NeoCon heartthrob Frank Luntz! Here’s some of the guests that have been confirmed and the recipes they’ll be bringing to the show:

Rick Santorum’s Chopped Hot Dogs – the only way Rick will serve this phallic food stuff to the Santorum clan! He says the cut up wieners are a good reminder that sex is a dirty sin and is only meant for procreation!

Rick Perry makes his delicious homemade artisan margarine which he humorously calls “Whoops, I Can’t Believe I Forgot One of the Four Ingredients.”

Dick Cheney’s Cedar Plank Waterboarded Salmon – Dick’s dark side really comes through whenever he makes his devilishly delicious variation on this classic. You’ll telling your host anything just to get another bite. Always a hit with Guantanamo guests.

Carly Fiorina’s “HP Sauce with Red Ink” Raspberry Farina is a recipe you’re more likely to make than to vote for Carly!

Colin Powell whips up Saddam’s Secret Aluminum Tubes Fish Casserole out of thin air! – This is one of those low-cal dishes where if you’re foolish enough to take a bite you won’t be able to stop for at least 15 years! MMmmMMmMm!

Pia Zadora makers her famous Tilapia Zadora – Oops. That’s from the old Planet Hollywood menu.

John McCain sings “bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran” while making Thermonuclear Lobster Thermidor – This classic atomic age 1950’s dish is perfect for the upwardly mobile nuclear family.

Frank Luntz’ explains branding ideas people hate in a palatable way with meaningless double talk while making his famous Pasta Word Salad.

The show is set to debut on the Fox Food Network soon! Check your local listings for details.


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