NEW YORK CITY, NY – Apollo Global Management, the deliciously named conglomerate that owns both the Hostess Foods and Dolly Madison brands, has announced that Ashley Madison was not the only unhealthy company named after a female Madison to be hacked this week. Apparently hackers found their way into vending machine credit card records and has exposed one of Dolly Madison’s key demographics – office workers who work late shifts when only Dolly Madison brand snack cakes are left in the machines.
The not-at-all-popular snacks are consumed almost exclusively by late shift workers and Doomsday Preppers rotating out their stock of post apocalyptic treats. Dolly Madison would not say how many consumers were compromised or release any names out of fear they could shame their customers simply by being associated with the toxic brand. Apollo shares were down slightly in overnight trading. More on this as it develops.