COLUMBUS, OH – Researchers at THE! University of Ohio have spent months studying the information consumption habits of a sample group and found that seven out of ten Americans more closely follow the hypnotic back and forth swaying motion of their cat’s asshole than they do national and international news, politics or even their own families including their children.
The study found that the unique gait of a domesticated house cat along with the in-your-face presentation of their buttocks creates a visual black hole where no American of average or lesser intelligence can escape the event horizon. The scientists described the event horizon as the area encompassing the lower third of the cat’s tail and the upper quarter of the hind legs. Once someone’s eyes have engaged this area it is unlikely they will be able to turn away from the sight until the cat either turns or walks beyond the limits of the viewer’s vision.
The United States Navy is currently said to be working on weaponizing this phenomenon and some enterprising companies have begun manufacturing jewels to block the view that you are supposed to somehow be able wrestle onto your cat without being clawed into raw meat. Good luck with all that.