VATICAN CITY – The newly dead have a bone to pick with Pope Francis. The popular pontiff’s latest decree that heaven is open to all good souls even if they weren’t Christians here on earth has real estate agents in Hog Heaven and hoping that they start making needle eyes in camel sizes! Why is that? Simply put property values in the Pearly Gated Community are through the roof and it’s creating quite the spiritual hubbub for St. Peter and his Omnipotent Ombudsman.
Older souls are complaining that they’re being priced out of the good neighborhoods and forced into unseemly Unitarian and Seventh-day Adventists Restorationism slums. Believe it or not Restorationists are apparently not known for keeping up their properties.
Recently deceased Christians feel it’s their birthright to a plot of land in one of the good neighborhoods but are finding Affirmative Action giving prime lots to Zoroastrians, Hindus, Rastafarians and the occasional Jedi. It’s not known what is to become of the souls of the departed who may have died unbaptized but are now eligible for eternal bliss but we understand there is already a backlog of appeals for Christian souls who have found themselves in limbo. Watch this space for more on this troubling development.