Tom Selleck’s Secret Shame “I’ve Been Stealing Water to Fuel My Illegal Mustache Farms!”


CALIFORNIA – Television’s Tom Selleck was in some, let’s just say hot water because that’s seems like a really fucking clever thing to say, after reports of a mysterious white truck he owned pulling up to a fire hydrant and filling up with precious H2O during a historic drought in California where all private citizens are being asked to cut their water usage by 25%.

TSBtNews reporters have received insider information that the shocking reason for Tom’s water heist is to fuel his illegal mustache farms where he grows follicles to feed his crippling bristle addiction! Tom has been growing mustaches and they need water, lots of water! Federal law forbids the artificial growth of any kind of facial hair and classifies possession of one of these rogue hairpieces as a class 1 felony.

Tom shaved his trademark whiskers for a role in 1997’s classic In & Out and like Samson losing his hair, it emasculated Selleck and he was never able to regrow it through natural means. Desperate to regain his machismo Selleck tried black magic, hairoids, expensive lip balms but nothing seemed to work. He would have “Phantom Mustache” pains when he ate corn on the cob or nuzzled his favorite teddy bear.

Hollywood stopped calling, there were no endorsements, even his pals in the NRA didn’t want to be seen with a non-mustachioed Magnum. Desperate he turned to illegal mustache farming but after this bust it seems like Tom’s whole life is collapsing around him. We will have more on this disturbing situation as details unravel.


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