United Airlines Introduces Sardine Class Service with In-Flight Gerrymandering

Proposed new Sardine Class Hellscape

Proposed new Sardine Class Hellscape

United Airlines announced a partnership with polling companies that sell data for gerrymandering purposes that will allow the airlines to further divide the nation and increase profits by distributing red and blue state passengers into rows that are heavily biased towards one ideology or another. United says not only will this configuration save money by allowing sections of the plane to get only one kind of snack or movie distributed in the most efficient way (peanuts or pretzels, soda or coffee, Michael Bay or Cohen Brothers) but also force passengers with an already seething hatred for anyone with a differing political view to glare at each other for hours at time. United hopes these orchestrated confrontations will result in more in-flights fights resulting in emergency landings. Emergency landings save on fuel costs by dropping passengers miles from their intended destination.

In Row Example

Here you see a traditionally Republican row that has been reconfigured by turning the Democratic row in front of it around to join the row and thus turning this district (row) to majority blue.


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